It's summer in the Tenderloin (for today
at least) and the freaks are out. There's a wo/man (I'm not sure which
this creature is) who's been bent over in front of my building for at
least 5 hours now. I'll call this person a she, since even if she is a
man, she's probably a transvestite.
She's got a few plastic bags filled with clothes in
front of her and periodically she rouses from the deep nod that she's in
and slowly (and painfully it looks like) rummages through the bags and
pulls out a sweater and tries to fold it or finds a scarf and drapes it
over the back of her neck. This creature is kind of tall, rail thin, with
shaggy dyed red hair, white pants, a brown and blue plaid sportscoat, and
seems to have a hunch. Probably from spending most of her life bent over
at the waist with her arms dangling.
It's amazing, because even though she's motionless in
her nod for long periods of time, she doesn't tip over. or sit down and
give up on this strange task that she's determined to finish. I tried to
make out the face behind the raggedy curtain of hair when I walked by her
earlier, but all I saw was skin that looked like silly putty and the
indistinct features that looked like they were dissolving. I can see her
from my window and I watch the people who pass by her; they turn to look
at her and I can read the incredulity in their movements. The amazement
that this woman is actually accomplishing this feat. That her heart is
still beating and her poisoned blood is still pumping and that she's still
balanced, bent over at the waist, her finger tips grazing the sidewalk,
utterly motionless, like someone pressed the pause button. Which is what
it looks like. She'll start to do something, like put a piece of paper in
her pocket and then she'll nod out with her hand partly in and the motion
will remain frozen, half executed, until later when she surfaces for a
moment and pushes the paper all the way into her pocket, takes her hand
out and begins to rummage for something else, gently swaying until she
nods out again and freezes up with a shirt dangling in her wrinkled grip.
It makes me feel sick to watch her. The sun is
shining, the air feels clean and happy and I'm in my tiny apartment
listening to Fado music; a lovely day right? The world feels like it could
be beautiful and limitless. For me it is, but not for her. She's not as
old as she looks (which is about 100), and her life will never recover, it
will not progress along new and unexplored paths. It's a haze of illusory
heroin bliss that's hiding the real physical pain of her creaking limbs
and has turned her mind to jelly. I feel scared when I see her.
These things have touched my life too closely, these things are my fears.