We've got answers.

Are you really John Constantine?

Why does it matter?

Why the domain name Hellblazer?

Why did the drunk girl take the ugliest guy in the bar home?  Because he wasn't taken.  The domain name also nicely fits into our theme of The path to hell is paved with good intentions.  And we only had the best intentions in the world when we registered this domain name for our site.

Why can't I get laid?

This really isn't the right question.  The question should really be: why can't I get laid in the fashion I truly deserve?  And the answer to that is...

Well, let's just say that no one gets what they want in this lifetime anyway, so just be happy with what you've got.

Why can't you all get laid?

For basically the same reason.  Try as we might, the road always leads to...  Well, you can guess where.

Can you explain why you've been reincarnated into 12 bodies simultaneously?

It's something we've studied for quite some time, as you can imagine.  From what we can tell so far, there was a tragic mistake, mostly doing with the warping of the pillar of water during a really intricate spell we were spinning.  All we can say is: Kids.  Please don't try this at home.  This kind of stuff should only be performed on the radio by experienced idiots.  We have found that the condition is sometimes useful, as the actual responsible entity is the gestalt whole.  Modern law has yet to deal with this concept in any effective way.

Where's that $700 you still owe me?

Still in the bank at this point.  It has been earning interest, although we haven't put it into any risky investments.  But we'd have to hear from you directly, as we no longer have an address to send the cashier's check.

Where have you been for the last ten years anyway?

A lot of places we never thought we would, let me tell you.  Digging sewers on the ninth ring for six months is something you never see coming.

What do you think our chances are?

At this point, pretty slim.  Our very nature seems to work against us.  All the world's religions basically say we're screwed and we're just waiting for the universe to roll up the streets and close down the show anyway.  But we're personally doing our best to be the monkey wrench in this whole process.  It's just at this point, the gear box driving this whole mess over the cliff seems immune to our selfless attempts at stopping it.

Have you seen my cat?

Not since last Thursday.  Naturally, we'll do whatever we can to help out, and keep an eye out for her.

I am a truly amazing woman/man.  Witty, intelligent, sexy, and incredibly well read.  I'd love to have dinner with you sometime and discuss economics, politics and a variety of other extremely complicated things over a bottle of fine red wine.  Can I have your phone number?

You wouldn't believe how many times we've been asked that question.  Our phone numbers are classified, but luckily our email isn't.  Send us a message and we'll see what we can do to accommodate you.  Some of us are unavailable emotionally and/or physically at the present nexus.  Partial subsets are certainly available for lunch and dinner occasions at various places around the globe.  Ask for local schedules and rituals.

Are you guys for real?

Well, not the guys.  Certainly the girls are.  Guys are kind of what nature uses when she rolls the dice.

No.  We mean are you at www.hellblazer.com for real.

Oh, that.  The answer is, of course no.

So is this a joke or what?