Alternaties

By John Constantine

Well the rain falls down without my help I'm afraid
And my lawn gets wet though I've withheld my consent
When this gray world crumbles like a cake
I'll be hanging from the hope
That I'll never see that recipe again

As I walk I think about a new way to walk
As I think I'm using up the time left to think
And this train keeps rolling off the track
Trying to act like something else
Trying to go where it's been uninvited
    -They Might Be Giants, It's Not My Birthday

Some interpretations about quantum mechanics hold that every alternative is played out in a separate universe.  Basically each decision creates a new reality.

I don't personally hold to this theory, but in my more melancholy moods I really hope it's true.  At least on some level.  There are just some times where you know there is a future you would love to trace, but it's not an available option.  The door is forever closed.

It's not that this future is something better than the timeline you are currently following.  But it is a future that holds promise, passion and a life filled with different things.  Things and people you care deeply about.  Things that you long to hold close to you and treasure forever.  Situations and opportunities that tantalize and call to you like sirens.

It's just sometimes you're lucky enough to see a glimpse of what could have been if you were willing to make some decisions that you simply cannot make.  A present that you could be living in if only that one decision in your past had taken a slightly different path.

I'm a sucker for the super connected.  They fascinate me to no end.  But they are super connected for a reason.  They have millions of friends and somehow manage to do millions of things over the course of a year.

They travel a lot.  It's hard to see them sometimes for the dust clouds they kick up.  You feel lucky if you can catch them for a quick lunch between their flights around this beautiful world.

And they are almost without exception people that you feel you instantly know.  They connect to your soul with a preternatural ease.  Within minutes you are entranced in their spell and soon you are sharing intimate details of your life with those captivating eyes, or that incredible smile.

But unless you are part of the swirling mass, you find that you're soon dragging them down.  Inertia isn't something that sits too well with those that seem to move faster than the speed of light.

It's not so much that it annoys them.  These kind of people would go to the ends of the earth to do you a favor.  They'd bend over backwards if they could help you out.

But they need to be on the move.  And that means traveling light.

So the realization that you are inadvertently adding inertia to someone you really treasure, and that inertia is causing them discomfort. Well, that realization can really be painful.

The first instinct is to hold on tighter.  But if you're as old as I am, the consequences of this strategy are painfully predictable.

There is no way to chain the wind, after all.

So what are the alternatives?  There are none.  You have to let go.  Well, that's just what you tell yourself.  You were never really holding them anyway.  It's simply the spin your mind can put on anything.

And that's when your gut tightens and the lump forms in your throat.  You start blinking a bit more and your mucus membranes seem to start running a bit wet.  It's a hormonal response and you start to feel embarrassed at the realization of what has been happening to your heart.

So you pull out a bottle of fine wine that you snatched up on one of the days you'll never forget.  As you trim away the foil from the top of the bottle, you can almost smell the air of that surreal day.  You remove the cork, and you can swear you hear the laughter and giggles.

You pour the first glass, and the smell of the wine starts to fog your eyes.  Before you can even begin to taste it, the glass is drained.

Much like the time spent with these special people, the wine is transitory.  It is for the moment only.  Then it becomes something else as it passes through your life.  Changing you and becoming part of you in ways you scarcely realized.

But the moment is real, and the warmth in your soul is real.  Staring at the ocean while the sun boils away into the night, you toast to an experience you'll never forget.

So you enjoy it while you can.  And when the final drop slides over your tongue you realize that you are getting pretty drunk.

I've always been a lightweight when drinking.  My body mass absorbs a reasonable amount of alcohol, but my brain just can't seem to keep up.

Which is pretty much like these relationships.  They alter your blood chemistry, and although you may be physically able to keep up, your mind is beginning to lose its edge and you start contemplating questionable actions.

So, you do something stupid and let go of what you didn't have anyway.  The act fills you with sadness and grief.

But like the wine, these feelings too shall pass.

But never the memories.  For many reasons, Autumn will always remain my favorite season.